you ever have a job (or class/school) you hate so much. one that when you wake up you immediately feel this dread come over you. theres just nothing about it that makes you happy. and then it starts to bleed into other parts of your life. yeah..thats the way i feel about my job right now. and its starting to affect the rest of my life. i just feel blah about every aspect of my life. not good, not bad. just blah. i'm so bored with life. and god dammit i'm only 23 - i should not be feeling this way. and dont get me wrong, i have fun and do shit, but overall theres just this feeling of nothing. of blah. i feel like i could and should be doing so much more. i always have. i dont feel like i should be here right now.
all i know now is that grad schools not for me and neither is an office 9-5 (or in my case 8:30-5) job for me.
i dont know what is for me. but i'm 23 - should i? i dont think so.
i was talking to my sister about this earlier. about how i feel so much younger than most of my friends. my one friend is graduating from law school - another has an mba and is working for the government; and while they still have fun, in many [maybe most] ways they are so much more mature and grown up than me. they're ready to start or have already started on careers and i couldn't even contemplate that. i feel so young. and then i think about how my sister was pregnant and about to have a baby when she was my age. thats something i really couln't even comprehend at this point in my life.
i've never believed in doing something you don't love. i realize thats not always realistic - i mean i do have a job i hate right now cause i need money. but i'm the person that has maintained that i'd rather be poor and doing what i love than rich and doing some i dont love. and its true. sometimes you do have to do what you need to do to get by. but doing something you hate for life just cause that means you'll be well off or comfortable...no. it will seep into the rest of your life. and why be miserable for the rest of you life because you'll have money or you'll have pleased other people. its your life. do what makes you happy... right? am i the only one who thinks this? ... sometimes i think i am.
and i still have so much more on my mind about all this shit and more, but i just can't seem to express it right.
even all this shit i've typed sounds like exactly that... just some rambling bullshit.
is it all pointless?
i dont know. maybe.
or maybe its just my mood at this point in life.
i've got to stop updating like this... i've just been way too contemplative lately.